My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
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“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
#FunnyLife Insects
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
If I ignore life will it go away?
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.