Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
You Might Also Like
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue