“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
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The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
one last job
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction