peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
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FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
💁🏻♂️
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack