There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
You Might Also Like
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
A Short Story.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
The funk soul brother
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato