Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
You Might Also Like
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.