Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
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I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.