“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
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Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
I’m calling the cops.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be