The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
You Might Also Like
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too