He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
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Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.