My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
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Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me