If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
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My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
My patience has stretch marks.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.