The little toadstool has spoken.
You Might Also Like
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Time heals everything 🙂
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point