(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
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I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.