If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
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i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Admin smashed it 😂
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?