If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
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When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
necessity is the mother of invention
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”