Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
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Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that