I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
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facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point