My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
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Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.