if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
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#math
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
“I FIXED IT!”
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
m’lady
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.