Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
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7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “