Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
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[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that