Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
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October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Lol.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?