victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
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Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly