Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
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Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
He-man has a Masters degree
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke