A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
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Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
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8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
lol
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)