The struggle is real.
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Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Sooo many times…..
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
😅😅😅
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words