Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
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Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.