My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
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Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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