My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
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McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Sponch
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”