friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
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[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Seems kinda suspicious
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there