I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
You Might Also Like
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.