interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
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Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
look at me when i’m typing to you
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
HERE’S MARKY
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks