Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
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Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
#SCOTUS one-star review
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
peep davidson
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Body by sandwich.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.