I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
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Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Lmaoo 😂
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.