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My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
what kind of cook setting is this??
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”