Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
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I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid