Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
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me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.