A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
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that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Do not steal food from the science building!
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?