professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
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I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Yoga Matt
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.