Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
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“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
She was rare, like a goth jogging
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
I’d hang this in my house.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
when u come home smelling like another dog
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.