Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
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we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.