“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
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Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.