and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
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I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do