If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
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I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.