Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
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*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Perfect
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.