[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
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Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.