kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
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Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
my dad has had enough
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Every. Damn. Time.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon