A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
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I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Donkey Kong sommelier
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.