“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
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My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Who wants to be my Valentine?
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”